The first time

I still remember 'the first time' so vividly it could have been yesterday. The way I felt before, during, after. What I'd eaten. What I weighed. . . .

It was coming up to Easter. It was a school night, I'd been out in the evening with friends. We'd popped into a supermarket. We'd all bought cream eggs. I'd also bought snack-a-jacks (fooled myself into thinking I'd just have this 'healthy' snack). Back home I'd eaten the dinner Mum had saved me, then gone into the shower. I remember sitting in the bath, the shower running, with a large cup in front of me. I stuck 2 fingers down my throat.

This wasn't the first time I'd tried to make myself sick. In fact, I'd been trying for some time. In the months leading up to 'the first time' I'd felt such disgust towards myself. Not only was I failing every diet I tried, but I couldn't even purge successfully. I'd even tried weight loss tablets, to no avail. (I remember my mother discovering these herbal weight loss pills in my bedroom. I'd hidden them in a sandwich bag in a drawer. She'd thought I was taking drugs. I remember the look of relief when she learned they were 'only' weight loss pills. She left them in my bedroom and said no more about it.)

This time was different. I needed it more, somehow. I was more determined. I didn't give up. I urged, I retched, I continued until I was sick. Then I was sick again, and again.

As someone who suffers Emetophobia (yes, that's right, I have a phobia of vomit. Spot the irony there?! I still have panic attacks now if I think someone around me is going to be sick, or if I come down with a sickness bug myself, and yet have no trouble inducing vomit episodes countless times every day?!), my desire to purge myself in this manner sounds completely insane, but the feeling I was left with following my first ever purge was one of utter euphoria. I kept a diary at the time and still remember the entry. 'This is the best feeling ever - I feel amazing!'

I suppose it's like drugs - the first time is amazing, it sucks you in, makes you want more. I thought I'd found the answer to all my problems. I could eat what I liked, not worry about starving myself any more, and yet still achieve the 'perfect' body.

For the first few months I floated along on this high. I felt like I was keeping this wonderful secret from everyone. It made me feel good. It made me feel like I was worth something. I was looking great! I watched with delight as my weight fell on the scales. Enjoyed shopping with mum as a treat when I'd dropped a dress size. Lapped up the compliments from friends. I was so sure I could stop when I reached my target weight.

That's the trouble with addiction. It creeps up on you, sucks you in without you noticing. Then one day you realise - you're not the one in control any more. The addiction has become who you are. It's taken over every last corner of your life. It's everywhere you turn. It's every decision you make. It becomes more important than anything else in your life.

In recovery, alcoholics give up alcohol. Drug addicts come off drugs. Smokers give up smoking. What do you do when your addiction is food?