I have thought about starting a blog for some time now. Truth is, there is so much I want to say that I'm having trouble knowing where to begin. So, I'll just jump straight in and start with now.
I am a 26 year old mother of two wonderful girls aged 3 (and a half!) and 1. I live with my husband and I'm currently a full time mum, although I'm supposed to be seeking work. I am 5'7". Today, I weigh 7 stone 1lb, or 99lbs, or 45 kilos. Which is near enough the lowest I've ever weighed. For the last 10 years I have been living with bulimia. I'm ready to say goodbye, but have no idea how to start.
I can't ever remember a time when I had a 'normal' relationship with food. I went from disordered eating - faddy dieting, days of starving vs days of binging, mad exercising, binge eating to full fledged bulimia. One day, I made myself sick for the first time and since then not a day has gone by when I've vomited less than 5 times. One day I kept food down, the next, I didn't. Bulimia happened and she embraced me and she became my life. I am disgusted with myself, with her, what she makes me do. I hate her for taking away who I once was (even though I never much liked myself then, either). She's come in the way of friendships, family, happiness, sanity but worse of all, my girls.
My girls deserve a mother. Not a stand in. Not a fraud. A mother. I want to be that mother. Bulimia is standing in my way.
And yet, here I am. Having started out with a small salad for lunch I suddenly find myself, fresh from purging, after consuming the salad, then some toast, then 2 of the easter eggs I'd bought ready for Sunday. I can't even remember how or why the binge started, but it did, same as always. I am disgusted, embarrassed and once again full of self hatred.
So I'm hoping, maybe naively, that keeping this blog may help. The above is probably the closest I've come to admitting what goes on during a binge/purge cycle in the past 10 years of living with it. Eating disorders are not glamorous. They're not fashionable. They're not enviable. Eating disorders are ugly. They are exhausting. They are mind consuming. They are addictions. Bulimia has made me do things that I will never admit to anyone. It has to stop. I have to stop it.
Mia needs to go now. I'm done. I'm doing this for my girls.
Hi sweetie. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I know how hard it is. Recovery is hard. Its so much easier to give in to our addiction. But being a mom has been keeping me motivated to keep my ed at bay.and it can be the same for you. Please email me. I would love to tackle this together.
ReplyDelete"Exhausting"..."Mind Consuming" ..."Addictions".."Bulimia has made me do things that I will never admit to anyone. It has to stop. I have to stop it"
ReplyDeleteTHIS..THIS..THIS..AND THIS..Yes! So vicariously living your pain. I could, quite possibly be your mother..regarding age..but the horrific reality is the same. Mia knows no age boundaries, alas.
Your description of a day involving five bulimic events stunned...I am certain I would see my demise after only three episodes..but then my "episodes" involve WAY more than toast and eggs...I have ingested literally whatever is "at hand" until the stomach can take no more..or there is no more food. This is in no manner a commentary on the severity of your mia visits or the impact they have on your life and health. If anything I feel THAT much more disgusted to not honor myself in a way that would garantie my continuation. Your words are brave and strength-giving. Thank you for this.